Ice-Kream In Our Veins
by en-lumine
Summary: A Lin Kuei revolt. A Shirai Ryu plot. One man, on the cusp of oblivion. Can Grandmaster Kuai Liang salvage his clan and save them from imminent doom, or would he too, bow down to the rawest form of hunger and craving...? Read and find out, the fate of embattled Lin Kuei warrior!


HALLO GUYS =D

Long time, no see, eh? Well, that's about to change :D

So the idea for this short-story (probably around 2-3 chapters at most), was inspired by a headcanon by a very dear friend **Obelisk-of-light** , and a following illustration by **erenaeoth** on tumblr! Although I've taken a lot of liberty with this, I hope they enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing this krazy bit xD

Just in case anyone was wondering about my other story, the long-forgotten _Takahashi Family Saga_ – then let me assure you that I will continue it. Now that I'm days from graduating, and with the summer ahead of me, I'll have plenty of time to write about that – so don't worry folks :)

 **Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing. Not even the basic plot – that came from my awesome tumblr fam :P It's hot, and I just like ice-cream occasionally, that's all :P**

 **Note:** I could not stop laughing when I came across the title image on Google xD It's uploaded on Pininterest by jogo de luta (so brilliant xD)

Without any further ado –

* * *

 **ICE-KREAM IN OUR VEINS**

 **I**

* * *

It was warmer than he ever remembered. He had never thought Arctika to be this warm.

Arctika? How could he be sure he was at the tundra, anyway? All Kuai Liang could see was an unending depth of black, that somehow managed to become deeper, darker with every second that passed by.

Gritting his jaws, he willed forth the energy to wave a hand in front of him – or at least, attempted to do so. A trickle of trepidation rolled down his back, sweat condensing along his cool body, flowing in rivulets. It was definitely warmer than before – he could feel it.

As well as the ropes that were tied in an impenetrably tight grip around his wrists.

The cryomancer grunted with effort, now aware of a peculiar crackling all around him – as if an invisible fire burned bright and merry nearby, giving off a loud sound, but emitting no glow. And the pitch-black persisted as if a sentient, breathing in itself.

A moment later, he heard the unmistakable sound of hard wind blowing against him – muffling the crackling as he suddenly found himself propelled forth with the intensity of being strapped at the back of Sputnik I itself. The black melted around him, and he finally saw himself move toward something – as if sucked into a wormhole, flying at the speed of light towards…

A light? God? Heaven?

A single thought gripped his heart – and despite the rush of the wind deafening him, he called out as loud as he could -

"Bi-Han, is it you?!"

It evidently wasn't.

In fact, it was Johnny Cage.

At a moment where his life ought to be flashing before his eyes - Kuai saw the actor, clad in an 80s style varsity jacket and a boom-box, belch out some forgotten pop song. It was, undoubtedly, a strange image to fixate on, given his predicament.

"Buckle up, Coldilocks! You're in for a ride!" Stationery, and floating peacefully in the vacuum, Johnny waved at the cryomancer, unafflicted by everything around him.

Before he could respond, Kuai Liang whizzed past, catching the glint of Johnny's shades in the dark – and ending up…

In a bonfire party.

* * *

Kuai fell rather unceremoniously on his grade-A derriere, his vision swimming into focus as he slowly regained his sense of hearing, breathing spastically as if he'd run a marathon. The hazy vision, accustomed to the utter darkness, slowly adjusted to the bright lights around him, set against the familiar backdrop of the night.

He'd gazed at this view millions of times from his courtyard. And as his sense of direction returned, he concluded he was within the parameters of the Lin Kuei temple.

Kuai groaned with ire, but quickly scrambled onto his feet. There was a peculiar warmth that blanketed his back, but he ignored it for now. Befuddled, the grandmaster looked around – thoroughly perplexed at the sight as it unfolded before his very eyes:

His students – in various stages of drunken stupor, all danced and laughed jovially, singing and yelling in shrill, high-pitched tones that reminded him of a cheaply produced shootout set from some second-rate Wild West movie. Drums were banged without song, nor tune – his clan-members exhibiting a fit of synchronised kraziness he had never seen before. Their faces were painted with brown, white and pink – hands covered with sticky, colourful snowballs they kept throwing at each other.

Which brought a glaring revelation: Why would anyone throw snowballs in a Wild West movie?

Kuai Liang shook his head despondently. He won't get his answers by mere observation alone, this night.

Glancing briefly at the stretch of the icy tundra ahead, he turned slowly to face the main temple itself. All before he let out a cry and nearly collapsed back into a head on the stone floor.

Flames, high and mighty and bright, hungrily ravaging through his temple - licking away at the very foundations of his abode, positively and absolutely destroying all that he had worked for in their savage glory. His belongings, his weapons – mementos from Bi-Han! All enclosed, burning red in this blazing inferno.

' _So the Shirai Ryu bastards betrayed us again!–'_

With an angry roar, he coiled, muscles bunching with tension in his back and along his limbs – and raced forward – only to be held back, the fiery heat ever-so close to his form.

But the worst of all was the fear – like an imperceptible but paralysing cold trickle, that flowed from his neck, between the shoulder blades and into the waistband above that wondrous derriere: Try as he might, he could not summon his cryomancy.

And within that moment, he realised it wasn't actually the temple that was burning (or was it?). Rather, he had been observing it, from the flames that he was seemingly engulfed by himself. He almost breathed a sigh of relief.

Before he realised that the crowd had suddenly gotten silent, while the fire had suddenly gotten much, much closer to him than before. The stench of burnt wood met his nostrils, as shadows played along the stone surface of the ground, in a scary game of hide and seek. He could not see anyone, save for the shadows… Until _she_ approached.

 _Sergeant 'Nut Cracker' Cage._

* * *

"Cassandra! What is the meaning of all this? Untie me immediately!" he growled as he angrily regarded the hot-mess that was Johnny's daughter.

"Cool it, fridge-face," she returned, sass dripping from her demeanor. Clad in a cheap, electric blue, velvet cloak with 'Cassie' imprinted at the back, a crown and an equally phony sceptre, Cassie walked with the overly pretentious regal air of a struggling, third-rate Hollywood actor, waving her stick around while her face was smothered in an explosion of a repulsive, bubble-gum pink colour.

Meanwhile, the crowd had silenced in the wake of their Queen's arrival – the unnatural stillness emanating an evil air. For several long moments, the tundra winds rushing in cold gusts remained the sole sound, as they inflamed the stubborn fire.

"You, measly peasant, have been found GUILTY of the most vile crime decreed in the Queendom of Selfie-Land."

"Cassandra CAGE!" Kuai roared back, not buying her claims for a second. He struggled against his bonds futile, his ice-powers simply non-existent despite his beckoning. A spark shot close, too close to Kuai – catching the outer edge of his beard – the black hair sizzling with smoke as a result.

"The obstruction of ICE-CREAM!" continued Cassie, unperturbed. Cocking a hip, she pushed her aviators down to reveal her playful gaze – one that reflected her own knowledge of this horrible game.

"You thought you could withhold our blood, our lifeline against us and get away with it? Pity, oh-wise-ol' 'Grandmaster'… Hanzo was right about you…"

Appearing directly behind her, was the hell-wraith himself – burning up with the fire of the Netherrealm, and fuelling the searing flames that burned closer to the stake were Kuai was tied. In a bitter moment of clarity, all the puzzle pieces fell into place, and a long-forgotten memory replayed in front of his eyes…

" _Do you sell ice-cream?" hell-fire flames flickered over Scorpion's body._

" _No, only death!" Sub-zero took no chances – the rival must be vanquished!_

" _I WANT AN ICE-CREAM!"_

That fateful date in the Kuatan Jungle, where the two rivals had fought yet another one of their mindless battles…

"I had told you of my demand, Lin Kuei scum. Now feel _my sting_!"

The cryomancer could swear he heard Johnny laugh somewhere, but the smoke rising from his beard prove too distracting to confirm another presence.

"Kuai _'That-Blind-Man's-Hot-Buns-Beat-Your-Frozen-Ass'_ Liang, I hereby sentence you to DEATH, BY-"

An overly bloated, dazed and downright psychotic Frost jumped in front of her; her normally toned body bulging in multiple areas, fat rolls piling up under-her chin, mask cracked enough to see the streams of chocolate smeared across her mouth and lips. Running towards Kuai, he saw Frost becoming bigger and bigger, her footsteps mirroring the effects of concurrent earth-quakes, saliva and chocolate frost slobbering off as she loomed like a giant, running to meet its fodder.

With a nervous gulp, Kuai Liang realised what she was holding something in her hands.

As if caught in some sci-fi horror, time slowed down to a glacial pace, and Frost's feminine voice slowed down, drawing over long seconds in timbre so deep, that it rumbled and shook the very core of his being.

"ICCCCCE…CREEEEEEEAM…CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE!"

' _Oh, here she comes!… Watch out, boy - she'll chew you up!'_ Johnny's far-off, low-key singing to the now-remembered song rang in his ears, though Kuai took little heed of it.

Sapphire eyes widened with fear as the fearsome Frost-giant, now more than twenty feet tall, laughed mirthlessly, her pudgy hands reaching for the cake, scooping it up into a snowball the size of a small mountain. With glazed eyes resembling creamed donuts, she let out a frightening, earth-shattering, wind-inducing scream, avalanche-causing scream – and threw the ice-cream snow-missile at Kuai Liang's way…

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

The former Lin Kuei grandmaster's final scream echoed through the vast, desolate tundras – as his enemies saw him fall for the last time, in the battle for eternal freedom.

* * *

Don't ask what I ate for dinner before writing this – I skipped it entirely xD Also, these days I'm kinda more into salty foods, but I'm totally siding with Kuai on this one.

Speaking of which… WHAT HAPPENED? WHY? HOW? DID FROST-GIANT EAT HIM UP? WHAT WAS JOHNNY DOING?

All will be told in the near future xD

 **Just a few references/shout-outs once more –**

Thanks to **Obelisk of Light** (here and tumblr) and **erenaeoth** on tumblr for inspiring this with your headcanon and illustrations! :)

The 'fight-intro' – 'Do you sell ice cream / No only death! / I want an ice-cream!" is from a parody done by **Maximillian Dood** on **Youtube** as a late April Fool's prank last year. I swear I laugh even thinking about the faux exchange xD

The song that Johnny was singing, was **"Maneater"** by **Hall and Oates** :P

And last, but not the least - the title of the fic is just a little poke at my own country's slogan for the Rio games - "Ice in Our Veins." We're gonna own everyone anyway, so what's the harm, eh? ;)

Hope you enjoyed this crazed bit of writing – now onto chapter 2, and soon! Have a great day, guys! And let me know how this was :)


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